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I recently watched a video by Michael Hussey that struck a chord with me. It addressed a dynamic I’ve encountered time and time again in my leadership development and coaching work. Many people, driven by empathy, become entangled with narcissists, unable to break free from their hold. Clients often come to me desperate to win back someone who has discarded them or to prove they’ve done nothing wrong, yet they remain trapped, unable to see how deeply the narcissist’s grip has affected their lives.
If you’re struggling with this, read on. What follows is a hard-hitting exploration of what I’ve learned personally and from the clients I’ve worked with, designed to help you create awareness and provide you with reality.
It’s a tale as old as time: a charismatic person enters your life, sharing their story of betrayal, hardship, or mistreatment. You feel drawn in, compelled to help, heal, and save. Their vulnerability seems real, and their pain feels palpable. But before you know it, their story becomes the web that traps you—and your life unravels.
Welcome to the dark art of the narcissist’s origin story. This is not just a story; it’s a weapon designed to hook you emotionally, make you lower your defences, and turn you into a willing participant in your exploitation.
Seduction of the Narcissist’s Origin Story
At first glance, their story explains everything: their bad behaviour, manipulations, and inconsistencies. It’s easy to excuse their cruelty when you’ve been told that they’ve been deeply hurt, abandoned, or traumatised. They paint themselves as the perpetual victim, wronged by a cruel world that failed to understand them.
And you, with your empathy and good intentions, step in as their saviour. You want to help them heal, to show them that not everyone is like the people who hurt them. But the truth is, their story is rarely the whole truth—it’s their carefully curated truth. It’s designed to make you feel sorry for them, to tie your self-worth to fixing them.
And here’s the twist: it’s not about healing. It’s about control.
The Cost of Martyring Yourself for Someone Else’s Trauma
When you excuse someone’s destructive behaviour because of their past, you make a dangerous trade: your boundaries for their comfort, your peace for their chaos. Narcissists thrive in this dynamic. They weaponise their insecurities, their fears, and their trauma to manipulate you into sacrificing yourself for their benefit.
You start to believe that if you love them enough, support them enough, or prove your loyalty, they’ll finally change or are changing.
Spoiler: they won’t. Because change requires accountability, and narcissists are masters at avoiding it.
Instead, you’ll find yourself blamed for their failures, accused of not doing enough, or worse, painted as the real problem. The person you tried to save will make you the villain in their story. And they’ll do it with conviction, leaving you questioning your reality and your worth.
Red Flags: Behaviors That Signal You’re Dealing With a Narcissist
To protect yourself, you need to be brutally honest about the behaviours you see—not the words you hear. Here are some signs to watch for:
Victimhood as a Weapon: They consistently portray themselves as the victim, even when they’ve caused harm. Their pain is always more significant than yours, and any attempt to hold them accountable is met with deflection or anger.
Charm with Hidden Intentions: They may initially seem charismatic, attentive, and loving. But their charm is a tool to gain control, not to build genuine connections.
Inconsistent Actions: Their words rarely match their behaviour. They promise change, but their actions remain selfish and destructive.
Gaslighting: They make you doubt your perceptions and feelings, twisting reality to suit their narrative.
Blame Shifting: They refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead blame you or others for their mistakes and shortcomings.
Emotional Paralysis: Their behaviour leaves you feeling stuck, confused, and unable to make decisions or a common thing, confused about what to text back to them f they have thrown blame at you. This is intentional—it keeps you under their control.
Protecting Yourself: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
The most important thing to remember is this: people show you who they are through their actions, not words. When dealing with someone who claims they’re trying to heal, ask yourself these questions:
Are they taking consistent steps to address their issues?
Do they own their mistakes without deflecting or blaming others?
Are they seeking professional help or taking concrete actions to grow?
Do their actions align with their promises?
If the answer is no, stop making excuses for them. They may have a tragic past, but their healing is their responsibility—not yours.
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Boundaries are not negotiable. They are the foundation of your emotional and mental well-being. When dealing with a narcissist, boundaries serve as your lifeline. Here’s how to establish and maintain them:
Define Your Limits: Decide what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Write them down if you have to.
Communicate Clearly: Don’t leave room for interpretation. Tell them what you expect and what will happen if those expectations aren’t met.
Follow Through: Enforcing boundaries is non-negotiable. If they cross a line, hold them accountable.
Prioritise Your Well-Being: Their trauma is not more important than your peace. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
The Armour of Self-Awareness
If you’ve already fallen into the narcissist’s trap, it’s not too late to free yourself. It starts with awareness:
Recognise the patterns of manipulation.
Accept that you cannot save someone who refuses to save themselves.
Reclaim your power by focusing on your growth, healing, and boundaries.
Most importantly, stop playing the knight in shining armour to someone who refuses to remove their victim costume. If their story leaves you feeling paralysed, confused, or depleted, it’s time to walk away.
Final Thoughts: Watch for the Trap of the Narcissist
Narcissists can make you believe that your role is to save them, but the truth is, your life and your happiness matter just as much as theirs—if not more. Don’t let their origin story become the reason you lose your own.
Demand actions, not words. Look for growth, not promises. And remember: the first step to protecting yourself is refusing to accept less than you deserve.
I can not emphasise this enough...Your peace is priceless. Don’t give it away to someone who thrives on chaos.