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As I write this blog article I reflect on Stoicism's fundamental principles and their application in the worlds of love and sorrow. I do find myself at a crossroads, unsure of the audience I am addressing. This post is the result of a lengthy reflection torn between two perspectives: on the one hand, it is for people who are in the difficult process of letting go after being hurt and seeking consolation and understanding. On the other hand, it serves as a narrative for individuals who may be inflicting harm, demonstrating the values and qualities that need to be recognised.
This ambiguity reflects the universal nature of love's intricacies - the two paths of hurting and being hurt - as well as Stoic wisdom that addresses both. Whether you are dealing with the agony of loss or seeking to embody principles that protect others from suffering, I hope these words speak to you and explores what it means to really love and let go graciously.
Stoic Approach to Love and Loss
I think about love and loss and believe they are inextricably linked, pushing us to negotiate the emotional path of letting go. Stoicism, an ancient philosophy, provides eternal wisdom for this journey, demonstrating the skill of living with resilience and virtue. The idea that "real men don't have time to cheat because they are too busy looking for new ways to love their woman" captures the core of true love and devotion, which is closely connected with Stoic values. Although I believe notionally in this statement, I further believe that if people are busy fulfilling their life purpose they are too busy also.
Power of Inner Mastery
Stoicism emphasises that our strength is in conquering our responses, not controlling external circumstances. This idea is critical in dealing with the grief of losing someone we were committed to. Stoicism teaches us to accept these occurrences with grace and dignity and to acknowledge that certain things are beyond our control. Stoicism also urges us to achieve inner peace in the face of life's unavoidable challenges or behaviours of others.
Amor Fati: Accepting Life's Challenges.
The Stoic idea of 'Amor Fati', or love of fate, instructs us to accept and welcome life's difficulties, including loss, with a loving heart. This approach allows us to reflect and learn from our separation and grief experiences, viewing them as chances for personal growth. It does sound corny, but I have always learnt something about myself following a relationship breakdown.
True Strength in Love and Faithfulness
Stoicism redefines masculine power as a dedication to profound, true love rather than dominance. It teaches that love is an act of will, a conscious decision to be present and cultivate a connection. In short, switch off your phones, peel yourself away from Netflix and just be present. This Stoic virtue applies to all interactions, encouraging honesty and integrity and creating a safe place for our love ones.
Living With Integrity and Purpose
Stoicism advocates connecting our behaviours with our greatest ideals and living lives of integrity and purpose. Marcus Aurelius said, "Don't waste any more time discussing what a decent man should be; be one" inspires us to emulate the characteristics we admire and lead meaningful, love-filled lives.
Often we are focus on the quality of others, but to reflect on ourselves is more powerful.
Memento Mori: Cherishing Every Moment.
The Stoic discipline of 'Memento Mori' reminds us we are human and encourages us to enjoy every minute with or without our loved ones. It emphasises the impermanence of life and relationships, to let go with grace and appreciation that there is a life lesson in every situation. Acceptance is a tool that works for me. As many will say, it was not meant to be.
My Stoic framework for this post;
For those that have been hurt:
Accept What You Cannot Control: Recognise that certain things are under our control while others are not. Accept the knowledge to discern the difference, particularly in issues of the heart.
Amor Fati (Love of Fate): Welcome all aspects of life, including trials and losses, with acceptance and love. Consider every event, especially the difficult ones, as a chance for growth and greater knowledge.
Focus on thankfulness: Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the experiences and relationships you have, understanding that they are part of life's ever-changing nature. I know this one is a tough pill to swallow, but imagine knowing that someone had cheated on you before you were about to make a life commitment to buying a house together or getting married. Be thankful you found out when you did and not after.
Memento Mori (Remember You Will Die): Keep in mind the impermanence of life, which encourages us to value every moment with our loved ones and to let go gracefully when necessary. Importantly, this demonstrates respect for yourself by not holding onto someone whose actions demonstrate they don't want to be with you or respect you.
Promote Inner Resilience: Build inner strength and resilience to face life's challenges, including the pain of loss, with a calm and steady heart.
Accept Imperfection and Change: Understand that change is a natural part of life, and that letting go is sometimes necessary for growth and personal development.
For those that have hurt their partner
Aim for Virtue in Relationships: Strive for honesty, integrity, and kindness in your relationships, as these are the true markers of a loving and Stoic heart.
Practicing self-reflection: Regularly reflect on your actions and choices, ensuring they align with your values and contribute positively to your relationships or your actions reflect genuine love for your partner.
For both
Focus on Personal Development and knowledge: Use the experiences of love and loss as opportunities for personal growth, seeking wisdom and understanding through each chapter of life. Don't carry the past baggage into new relationships. Deal with your patterns of behaviour or the grief.
Hurter, Find This
If you've caused hurt, it's time to wake up and take responsibility. Reflect deeply on the qualities that define a decent human being and strive to embody them. Here are three to start with;
Empathy: allows you to understand and share in the feelings of others and be compassionate and connected.
Integrity: ensure your actions are aligned with your moral and ethical principles; if you don't have them, work on them before you get involved with someone. Two words: honour and honesty.. find them.
Accountability: take responsibility for your actions and their impact on others; work on yourself; it helps you get what you want.
Final Thought
Stoicism provides a robust framework for navigating love and grief. It encourages us to love unconditionally, live honestly, and respectfully accept life's ups and downs. As we navigate the difficulties of relationships, remember that genuineness is found in living with purpose, honesty, and a firm commitment to love without any conditions.