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In our pursuit of meaningful relationships, we frequently endeavour to alter people, get attention or to stop feeling lonely in a relationship. The irony, however, is that the most important connection that has to be transformed is our relationship with ourselves. It is a radical shift in perspective: when we stop externalising our demands and instead internalise our progress, the dynamics of our relationships change dramatically.
This post is relevant for individuals battling love partnerships, early dating, or intimate connections. If you feel lonely, unappreciated or misunderstood or want to make more meaningful relationships, the ideas provided here are specifically for you. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, unmet needs, or a sense of imbalance in your relationship, the ideas stated in this piece help lead to increased self-awareness and, eventually, more rewarding and equitable partnerships. Remember that the journey begins within you, and as you mature and change, so will the dynamics of your closest relationships.
Understanding Self-Worth: Beyond the Pedestal
One of the first steps in this journey is recognising our own worth. Too often, we place our partners or loved ones on pedestals, idolising them while neglecting our values. This imbalance creates a dependency that's neither healthy nor sustainable. By understanding and embracing our worth, we foster a sense of self-respect and equality in our relationships. It's about knowing we deserve love and respect as much as we give it.
Attention Dynamics: A Two-Way Street
The old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," holds a kernel of truth in relationships. Continuously seeking attention can, paradoxically, lead to its scarcity. When we withdraw our attention slightly, it often piques the interest of others. This isn't about playing games or manipulation; it's about understanding that human psychology often values what seems slightly out of reach. Focusing on our lives, passions, and growth makes us more intriguing and desirable.
Valuing Your Time: Creating Respect
How we spend our time reflects our most important values. Making the most of our time together motivates people to value and love their own time with us, whether it's via self-improvement, outside-of-work pursuits, or career advancement. Avoid seeking their attention, effort, or time. Others may be put off by your desperation. People will begin to value your time if you do the same.
Focusing on Self-Growth: The Magnetic Pull
The most attractive qualities one can possess are self-assuredness and contentment within oneself. When you focus on your development— emotional, physical, or intellectual—you become a person of depth and intrigue. This focus shifts the dynamics of your relationships. People are naturally drawn to those who exude confidence and self-sufficiency. We inadvertently attract others who appreciate and desire our company by working on ourselves.
Four Simple Things When Feeling Lonely in a Relationship
Ok, right here is when I load you up with the usual rhetoric: start with daily affirmations, practice mindfulness, journalling.. bla bla bla.... these are important, in fact, critical, but you can read them anywhere. I want to talk about the behavioural hacks we can do. Here are things I have learnt.
'The best way to get someone to change their behaviour is to change yours'. Take ownership of the problem or disconnect. Do something about your behaviour rather than hoping, begging, or asking them to change theirs. It pushes them away. I've learnt this the hard way.
'The best way to get someone's attention is to remove yours'. This is not a game, but you must treat it as if your time is equally valuable than your partner's.
'Scarcity creates value'. the more people recognise you are busy or have other priorities, the more they respect the time they have with you. They may even be more present than usual. Pursue your passion and get busy. This works! Do it....
'The best way to get someone to respect your boundaries is to know what yours are'. Too often, we don't put boundaries in place. Then, we get annoyed or saddened that we are not treated well. Know them and communicate with them. It's on you to do that, not your partner, to know it. Check out our Setting Boundaries: Learning to Say No - A Secret to Stress-Free Living post
I want you to know, these hacks are not manipulative games but a demonstration of how prioritising yourself can increase your value; be mindful of them. Do not use them as tools for manipulation in your relationships.
Ripple Effect of Self-Transformation
As you begin your path of self-relationship development, you will see a rippling effect on your external relationships. People are naturally drawn to confident, cheerful, and self-sufficient individuals. Your relationships will begin to mirror the changes you make in yourself. You'll attract and build relationships with individuals who admire and value you as much as you do yourself.
Ultimate Realisation: You Are Enough
The key insight in this transformational process is that you are sufficient. Your value does not depend on the attention or affirmation of others. When you internalise this fact, your need for external validation fades, and you become someone who attracts rather than seeks. This transition is not about being apathetic to relationships, but about addressing them with power and confidence.
Final Thoughts
Changing your relationship with yourself is the most challenging, but if you get it right, it will be your best relationship. Whenever you are committing to changing yourself, it requires introspection and honesty. Don't bullshit yourself or allow your mind to convince you otherwise. It's simple if you have a strong sense of self-worth, balanced relationships, and a life filled with respect and mutual admiration amazing things happen. Not only does the relationship with yourself prosper, loneliness disappears and every relationship you have changes.
Remember, the change you seek in your relationships starts with the one you have with yourself. We can never always expect others to change, you waste too much time an energy doing that.